Listening to: Drake (almost Drake)


Reading: A Giant Irrelevant Relic

Writing About: The Phone Book, The Value of Free Things, If the Horse is Dead – Dismount


In my Town there are Phone Books

I don’t know if this is true for you,
and I don’t know why it’s true for me –
But I get two paper phonebooks
thrown into my front yard every year.

That is not a  joke, it’s true.

Top Five Things the Phone Book Producers are Thinking:

  1. Do we need a different Law Firm to produce the flimsy magnet this year?
  2. What should we do to protect all of this paper?
  3. Good idea, let’s wrap the paper in a plastic bag!
  4. Guys, this is the one, we’re finally going to put those minor leaguers who make the fall phone book out of business.
  5. I’m having trouble finding the new number to the pizza place, somebody Google it, then type it, then print it on paper, then wrap it in plastic.

Top Five Things the Phone Book Delivery Guys are Thinking:

  1. Here friend, will you throw this away for me?
  2. I’m glad they wrapped these in plastic, they get pretty wet sitting out in the yard for three weeks.
  3. I need to stop by the gas station, to put gas in my car, to deliver this huge stack of paper (wrapped in plastic)
  4. My right arm is going to be ripped by the end of the day #neverstoptossing
  5. Oh cool, they went with yellow for the fall edition!

Top Five Things the Recipient of the Phone Books are Thinking:

  1. Praise be, all good and perfect things truly do come from above – a brand new free phone book!
  2. Man, I haven’t even finished reading the Spring edition yet!
  3. Oh how kind, someone printed Goole search results on paper, wrapped them in plastic, and drove around town – Delivered Right to my Door!
  4. I always thought Facebook would be more effective without all of those faces.
  5. “I’m somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day!  This is the kind of spontaneous publicity, your name in print, that makes people. I’m in print! Things are going to start happening to me now!”

The Gift you Never Asked for (or Wanted)

I help lead a local mission trip, it’s the best.
My job on that trip, now, is organizing sites –
finding out what we’re going to do and where.
It’s complicated.

A good site is a mix of:
A. Something teenagers are capable of doing well
B. Something that the site asked for

If a site doesn’t ask for the work, it’s not a gift for them.
One year we deconstructed a ‘community garden.’
It had been planted by someone from outside the community,
and tended by no one.
It was not a gift.

I once went to a Christmas party where someone wrapped a live rodent
and put it into a white elephant exchange.
(I have trouble with my rodent classifications, it may have been a hamster, or a guinea pig)
Merry Christmas, you’re responsible for this!

Remember when U2 put an album in  your iTunes Library without asking?
Everybody freaked out, official apologies were written.
Because someone tried to give you something for free.
You probably don’t remember, because you weren’t asking for a free U2 album.

In my experience, if you want to get rid of something,
And you actually want it to get picked up –
Don’t list it as ‘free’
Post a ridiculously low price on it.

If you resent my logic, and feel like I’m being a jerk,
I won’t be petty about it. I am a generous giver!
Send me your address.
I have a cat in a box coming your way.
You’re welcome!